Retreat

This past weekend was A-Mazing! It was so wonderful to hear ladies from our church tell their stories. I was so pleased to hear that these ladies that I look up to are just like me! Who knew?! No offense to them! The theme was "Sisterhood of the Traveling Faith". There was no speaker brought in, but our own ladies spoke during the sessions. They were each amazing in their own way.

Hearing their story was something I've wanted for so long. Not those people exactly, although I was truely blessed to hear them, but for us to start sharing. For so long in the CoC we have kept our lives quiet. We want to be seem as these perfect people & keep our struggles & mistakes as quiet as possible. I have to admit. I am one of those people. But for so long I have been wanting to scream that we're not perfect...none of us. We can uplift others by letting them know where we have been so that they can take a little comfort on their own journey.

So, I started thinking. There would be no way I would be able to speak in front of tons of people, but if I did this might be something like what I would say:

I grew up in a loving Christian home. Everything was perfect throughout my childhood. My parents were caring & really wanted my brother and me to seek God. My grandparents lived just down the road & I was able to see them anytime I pleased...pretty much. So, upon graduating high school, I thought life would be simple. I would go off to MSU & make something of myself. There was no question about whether or not I would go to college. It was always understood that was the next step.

So, I headed off to college. It started off on a sour note. I had mono. Needless to say, I got really good grades that semester!! :) I impressed myself to know that I could get grades like that in college. Since I didn't have any energy to go anywhere, I stayed in my room a lot and studied. If I could have only had mono throughout my whole college experience I would have been a better student! ;)

I broke up with a guy and began dating another. That guy would soon become my worst nightmare. He was verbally abusive, but not at first. He had the sweetest words. I should have seen that as a red flag! ;) Anyway, to make a long story short. I made a horrible mistake and married him. The "marriage" lasted 8 months before the cycle had escalated to physical abuse. Now, I say that but was never hit. The wall centimeters from my head was punched. I was threatened & chased around a kitchen table, but I thank God that he got tired & headed to class. After that incident, I took a LONG hot shower and balled. How had I gotten myself into this?! I had grown up in a wonderful loving christian home. I knew better! Honestly, I don't know where my guts were to walk away while we were dating, but I didn't. Anyway, he came back from class...I was still in the shower...I jumped. I didn't realize I had been in that long. I was trapped and scared. He began his usual..."Baby, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." Well, I had heard that enough to know it wasn't really true. So, I told him, "If you EVER lay a hand on me, I will call the police." Instead of hearing, "I understand". I heard, "You mean, you would really call the cops on me." That was all I needed to hear to confirm that he was not telling the truth with his apology and would do it again, but go further.

So, when he left the next time, I called my grandmother. It was too early in the day to call my mom, and I wasn't ready to admit to her how much I had failed. My grandmother told me that I should go home for the weekend (It was Friday.). She said it would give him time to cool off & we could reasses the situation. I did just that. I went home. I can't remember when exactly I told my parents. To tell you the truth, much of it after that point is a blur. I was scared. I was empty. And I felt like God would never forgive me for what I had done.

After many tears I moved back home...after 8 months. I did the unthinkable. It was W R O N G to divorce. I knew that and battled it. I believed what I was doing was wrong, but was scared he'd kill me if given the chance. The scars ran deep and were around for a really long time.

I could go on and on with some of the details about that time and people who weren't family helped like Lynn Nagel (my 2nd mom) and Jane White to name a few. These ladies helped me more than I could ever fully explain, so I'll leave you with that instead of trying to do them justice. I could never say enough good things about these two ladies. They are amazing and saved me at a time I needed saving.

Time went by & I tried putting back the pieces. I had counseling, thank goodness! I continued pressing on. But where was God? I wasn't sure. I know it isn't because he wasn't seeking me out. But I couldn't seem to find my way to him. I felt like if I prayed he'd look down and say...there's the child of mine who just can't seem to get it right. I truely felt what I did was unforgivable. But I kept trying.

On Mother's Day 2000, a guy that I had flirted with in high school showed up at a fellowship meal at Reidland church of Christ. He was laying it on thick. But I wasn't ready, so I gave him the cold shoulder. We ended up exchanging emails, and I was thankful to be going home that night. (I know, ouch!) He dared me to see which one of us would email the other first, so I emailed him either that night or the next day. Little did he know, it's hard to walk by a dare.

We began talking via email & eventually phone because he was stationed in Connecticut (yes, it was Ryan). We talked for hours on the phone. He gave me the strength to go back to Murray and face my "demons". He was the source of comfort that I had been looking for...and he was 17 1/2 hours away so there was no way I could fall for this guy...or was there? Ryan ended up making the decision to move back to KY and not reenlist in the Navy in October 2000. He got to KY on October 10, 2000. Our first date was October 11, 2000. Yes, the very next day. He came to church with me on a Wednesday night. Then we went to dinner.

Our relationship was very rocky at the beginning. It was rocky because I was sure that once he knew the real me he would walk away. After all...I was tainted. But, he stuck with me. I couldn't understand how this man could be so forgiving. How he could be such a source of strength. He was exactly what I had been praying for. No...I really didn't get it even then! (Can you believe it?! I was so dense!)

Now I know. I look back and see His hand in my path. No, he did not choose the paths I took, but he did bless them. This song by Rascal Flats says it best:

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

No, God did not pick the roads that I have taken, but He has blessed them. I now have the most wonderful husband and friend that I could ever ask for. God hears our prayers. He loves us and truely blesses His children. I now look for Him in my life. In the wrong roads I take and the broken roads I make, I look for His hand. I am still not perfect, but I have learned that He is a forgiving and loving God. I love Him and am so thankful that he cares enough about His children to bless us even when we make mistakes. He is my source of strength and comfort.

That is my story. While being at PRCC, I've been afraid to share that story. I'm still afraid, but am taking baby steps to letting myself be transparent. It is through each others joys and struggles that we make each other stronger. If I can help one person it is worth it. If not, letting it out and not trying to seem perfect makes it worth it anyway.